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Family Holidays Ruined

 My older sister Janet started dating Alan in the mid 70's.  I was 12 years old. They married in 1776.  I don't have distinct memories of Alan's first holiday with us.  I do remember the pattern of their holiday visits for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  They came every year for both Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Mom loved preparing the holiday meals. She was an excellent and adventurous cook.  Food was her love language. The holiday meal would be scheduled for mid-afternoon. Mom was in the kitchen early, filling the house with lovely aromas. I enjoyed helping - until she poured her first martini.  As dishes were completed, they were placed on the beautifully set table or on the sideboard.  As meal time approached without a sign of Janet and Alan, Mom, probably on her 2nd or 3rd martini started to complain.  She hovered over me when I tried to help.  Her drunken intrusion was unbearable. Meal time came and went, still no Janet and Alan.  Mom's constant and increasingly incoherent complaints filled the house.  Food was pulled off the table, stored and kept ready.  We found food to snack on while Mom reminded us not to get 'too full'.  Dad sat quietly in his chair.  My brother Jim and I occupied ourselves and tried to avoid Mom.  About an hour after the scheduled meal time, we would get a call from Janet and Alan cheerfully telling us they were just leaving Lexington, KY and would arrive within 2 hours. Several hours after the appointed time, Janet and Alan would pull in the driveway, the table was reset, and the meal was shared.  Unexpressed anger and frustration accompanied every dish.

During their stay, whether overnight or for a few days, Alan and Mom would have many arguments, both of them too stubborn to compromise or concede.  The morning of their departure was chaotic.  Alan would yell at Janet because suitcases weren't packed and they were already late for their next destination.  It was such a relief when they finally pulled out of the driveway. 

Over the years there were changes.  Jim and I grew into adults, Janet and Alan had kids, Dad passed.  We made wonderful memories. But, the pattern persisted and grew more stressful over time.  I begged my mother to plan a later dinner (still telling Janet and Alan it was mid-afternoon) or let us eat at the scheduled time and save leftovers. I offered many suggestions over the years, every single one fell on the deaf ears of both parents. It never occurred to me to go somewhere else until after Mom passed in 2004.  For over 28 years, Thanksgiving and Christmas were filled stress. 

For the past several years (two decades?), I have travelled to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my cousins.  There is no yelling, I have very pleasant and relaxed visits with people I love, and who love me.  I love my holiday routines.  

Yet, in mid November the same dread and lethargy set in.  I am still conditioned by the trauma I endured as a teen and in early adulthood.  While I truly do look forward to my visits with cousins, I do not look forward to the holiday season.  I endure it. 




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